Sadly that was not to be our story<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

<\/div>\n\n\n\n

The first time I saw you I was naked and numb from the waist down, blinking under the bright theatre lights. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The surgeon held you up and the whole team gave a cheer. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Before I even had a chance to smile your little body heaved and you vomited white frothy liquid. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

You started to cry, a pitiful, gurgling sound like someone was holding a baby underwater and they were struggling to get free. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/div>\n\n\n\n

The atmosphere instantly changed. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The curtain was pulled up and you were whisked away to the corner of the room. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I couldn\u2019t see you anymore, but I could still hear those awful little cries. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\u2019d discussed with the nurses beforehand that you would be placed on my chest while my surgery was finished. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

As more and more time passed my heart started to race. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I knew something was wrong. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I kept asking your dad what he could see, but he couldn\u2019t see much either. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

He told me you had an oxygen mask on and everyone was crowded around you. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/div>\n\n\n\n

It was probably minutes, but after what felt like forever a nurse came over and explained your oxygen saturation was too low. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

She kept her tone light and told me they\u2019d sent for another machine and a doctor as a precaution, but by this point, I knew things were very wrong. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I know now it takes around 40 minutes to finish a caesarian after the baby is born, but to me, that time stretched for hours. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Three different machines were wheeled in to check your oxygen levels, three separate pediatricians examined you and came to the conclusion that you needed intensive care. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

You\u2019d stopped crying by this point. I couldn\u2019t see or hear you. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was trying to keep it together but the thought, like a pulse in my brain, kept repeating I was going to lose you. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/div>\n\n\n\n

When my procedure was finished a final doctor came and spoke to us. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

She said you would be going to neonatal intensive care (NICU), while I needed to spend at least 2 hours in recovery. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I wanted your dad to go with you, but we were told you weren\u2019t stable enough. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Somehow I held it together while we were talking, but as I was wheeled out of the theatre, away from you, everything hit me at once and I burst into tears. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I cried uncontrollably in recovery for two hours. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I couldn\u2019t bear to think how frightened you must be, alone, with all the unfamiliar sounds and lights. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

There were so many questions, would you survive? Would there be long-term impacts? But no one had any answers for me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/div>\n\n\n\n

I didn\u2019t know what you looked like and that really bothered me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I knew I\u2019d seen your face, but in all the panic I couldn\u2019t remember it. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

What kind of mother forgets her own child’s face? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

My mind was in a dark, dark place and nothing anyone could say was a comfort. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/div>\n\n\n\n

Finally over three hours after you were born we got the call that you had stabilized and could have visitors. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was desperate to see you, but still bedbound from my epidural. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your dad was torn between going to your side and leaving mine. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

There were signs everywhere regarding the strict visitor policy, but the nurses broke protocol and allowed my sister to come and be with me so I didn\u2019t have to wait alone. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your dad raced to NICU to finally be reunited with you. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Immediately I felt so much better knowing he was with you and that you\u2019d have a familiar voice. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

He sent me photos and videos of you from NICU and I couldn\u2019t stop looking at you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/div>\n\n\n\n

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<\/div>\n\n\n\n

Seven hours after you were born I was finally wheeled to you. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I held my breath as you were placed under my gown and in my arms. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/div>\n\n\n\n

There were so many wires. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/div>\n\n\n\n

You stirred with the disruption and started to cry. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHello little one,\u201d I whispered and your body stiffened. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

You whipped your head upwards searching for my face. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

You stayed looking into my eyes for so long as I carried on talking to you, before gently laying your head on my chest and snuggling your tiny body into me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/div>\n\n\n\n

Like a switch turning on, I finally felt like a mother. Your mother. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

You recognized my voice in the chaos and cuddled into me for comfort. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I knew at that moment nothing would ever be more important to me than being your support. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/div>\n\n\n\n

<\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n\n

<\/div>\n\n\n\n

As you know, this story is a happy one. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

You fought with every breath and never looked back. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your dad and I spent every moment we could by your side, and it wasn\u2019t long before we were able to bring you home. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now we\u2019re here, I\u2019m determined to focus on the future. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I can\u2019t wait for all our adventures together. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

There’s so much I want to show you, so many places I want to take you. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I hope you will grow up to be kind, loving, and intelligent. I know you\u2019ll be fierce and determined, you have buckets of both already. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Your life is so full of potential, I hope I can help you achieve great things and follow your heart. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/div>\n\n\n\n

I can\u2019t wait to smother you with kisses at the school gate and embarrass you in front of all your friends.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To take your first boyfriend aside and pointedly remind him I castrate for a living.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Please be patient with me as I navigate this new world of motherhood. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I know I\u2019ll make plenty of mistakes and I won\u2019t always be proud of my actions. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Know that my intentions are good and no matter what I love you unreservedly and unconditionally. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

You are the sunshine that lights up my life<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/div>\n\n\n\n

I love you always<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/div>\n\n\n\n

Your Mama<\/p>\n\n\n\n

x<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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You may be interested in my other articles on Baby Memories:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Time Capsule Ideas for your Baby’s First Birthday<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Baby Handprint and Footprint Keepsakes<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

When is the Best Time for Newborn Photography<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Dear Christina, I wish I could glimpse into the future and see you reading this.  I\u2019m so impatient to see the person you become, yet at the same time, I never want you to change.  You\u2019re sleeping now, and as I look down at your tiny little face, delicate little hands, and teeny tiny nails,… Continue reading An Open Letter To My Newborn Baby<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","wprm-recipe-roundup-name":"","wprm-recipe-roundup-description":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[61],"tags":[152],"yoast_head":"\n